Ashton if Youre Lucky Youre Never Gonna See Me Again
Adam: I'thousand alarm you, if yous take 1 step closer, I'yard never letting you go.
Adam: Hey, you can't phone call me and tell me that you miss me. I don't want to have that conversation on the phone. And then you can't text me and you can't e-mail me and you lot tin't write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to abound upward and arrive your car and come up and run into me.
Alvin: We don't get to selection who we fall in dear with, and it doesn't happen like it should.
Emma: I made y'all a Valentine's Day card.
Adam: What?
[laughs]
Adam: Information technology's perfect. Will you read it for me?
Emma: [reads carte] Yous give me premature ventricular contractions.
Adam: I'm assuming that'south a skillful matter.
Emma: You make my heart skip a beat out.
Adam: Aww.
Emma: Don't make fun of me!
Emma: [wakes up] Adam!
Adam: What?
Emma: We barbarous asleep and we were spooning.
Adam: We were?
Emma: Yeah. And we were spooning with our apparel on which is like 10 times worse.
Emma: I can't stop thinking about him.
Katie: Who? Adam?
Emma: Yep. I know information technology'south over and I'one thousand looking. It's simply that no 1 is equally.
Katie: [interrupts] Alpine?
Emma: He's so alpine.
Katie: And then tall.
Emma: And he's so, similar.
Katie: Happy?
Emma: Annoyingly happy, all the time. Just he has this.
[pauses]
Emma: He has the best heart.
Eli: [banging his left fist on Adam'south door] I tin't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on effectually me!
Shira: We're sluts, Emma! We're muddy muddied sluts!
Emma: Taxi!
[gets in car]
Emma: Have me to Adam'due south firm!
Taxi Driver: Okay, ma'am, where's that?
Emma: Where Adam lives!
Emma: This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I? I just accept sex with your son sometimes.
Adam: Yes she does!
Emma: Simply, there is really no reason for you to bring a kid into this world since y'all're acting like children already.
Vanessa: That was actually mean.
Emma: Yeah, I'm mean. But yous're fucking crazy. Considering given the choice between Adam and his dad. Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd cull Adam. Every time.
[to Adam]
Emma: Practice yous want to get out of here?
Adam: Aye. Fuck this.
Emma: Oh, by the style. Information technology's the best sex of my life.
[yells]
Emma: Great Scott!
Adam: [answers phone] Hullo?
Emma: Hi. It's Emma Kurtzman from Campsite Weehawken.
Adam: Yes. What is it?
Emma: And so my sister'southward getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, I don't know. I heard your evidence was tonight. Congratulations.
Adam: Thanks.
Emma: I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.
Adam: Ok. I don't know what to say. You're calling me because you're at your sister'southward wedding and she looks happy and anybody is happy and y'all're not
Emma: I idea.
[pauses]
Emma: I don't know what I idea. I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know nosotros broke up but.
Adam: [interrupts] Emma. Nosotros didn't interruption upwardly. Nosotros never started. Look, I gotta become. I'yard still at work. Have fun at the nuptials and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye.
[hangs upwards]
Emma: [looks at telephone] Aw fuck.
Eli: I'yard not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together, but I'm non prepared to say we didn't.
Katie: [answers phone] Hey! How did it go? Did you observe him?
Emma: Yes, he was with a girl. Information technology's his girlfriend. And I was in a bush.
Katie: Oh crap.
[pauses]
Katie: Are y'all still there?
Emma: [crying] Yeah.
Katie: Okay, go far your auto and drive abroad. How much money do y'all accept on y'all?
Emma: Uh, like 10 bucks.
Katie: Okay, the box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79. You're gonna demand 2 boxes.
Emma: [crying harder] I lost him!
Katie: I'm so sorry. I honey y'all.
Emma: I know.
[hangs up]
Emma: Ring ring! Information technology's the pumpkin patch. They desire their pumpkins back!
Lisa: Nosotros're non pumpkins!
Joy: Nosotros're ladies!
Emma: Only y'all're and then orange!
[Adam tries carrying Emma inside]
Emma: Hey! Someone telephone call Charlie Chocolate-brown! Nosotros found the Peachy Pumpkin!
Guy: [afterward watching Adam walk to Emma'southward room naked] Yup, I'm definitely gay.
Emma: Exercise you lot wanna practice this?
Adam: Do what?
Emma: Use each other for sexual activity, at all hours of the mean solar day and nighttime. Nothing else.
Adam: Yeah, I could do that.
Emma: Good. It's gonna be fun.
Patrice: Information technology's like a crime scene in my pants.
Adam: I sympathise what's going on. You're all on the same bike. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls volition be shedding for the side by side iii to five days.
Shira: Nice memorization. Did y'all Google that?
Adam: I may accept. Because y'all're women. And I remember that's a cute thing. Oh...
[takes out a CD]
Adam: I also made you this.
[hands information technology to Emma]
Adam: To help soothe your womb.
Patrice: It'south a mix!..."Even Menses." "Red, Red Wine."
Shira: "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?
Emma: Adam. You made me... a period mix?
Guy: That's so romantic!
Patrice: Frank Sinatra, "I've Got the World on a String"!
Adam: It'southward a classic.
Adam: You're fucking my ex-girlfriend?
Alvin: Well, yes. But... She's just and then hot.
Adam: I know how hot she is.
Vanessa: [peeking out into the hallway] That's really sweet. Thanks, guys.
Adam: Fuck you!
Emma: Adam, yous're wonderful. If you're lucky yous're never gonna see me again.
Adam: So, what'southward upward with non calling me dorsum?
Emma: I'm not practiced at this stuff.
Adam: At what? Talking?
Emma: Aye, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls commencement throbbing. Information technology's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.
Adam: Well, I tin can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.
Emma: I retrieve monogamy goes confronting our basic biological science.
Shira: God, I am unmarried as fuck.
Emma: Sometimes, my neck gets sore.
Adam: Why?
Emma: Considering my encephalon is so big.
Shira: [to Emma] Can I say something? And don't take this the wrong way because yous know I'll be your friend no matter what. You've been kind of depressing to exist effectually lately and I might start avoiding you in the hallway. But thought you should know.
Emma: The pinnacle departure! When we stand next to each other it looks like he's kidnapping me.
Patrice: Yous always practice this. You always notice something incorrect with everybody who likes you. And I engagement guys who have real issues. I appointment guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it'due south my fault because I left it out. Y'all find these perfect guys and and so you're like, it will never piece of work he'southward too happy.
Emma: What's up, Dr. Metzner!
[shocked]
Emma: Did I just say what's up to Steven Metzner?
Patrice: That was really hard to lookout.
Emma: Look I know I'grand supposed to want to be in a relationship, simply I simply finish up with a cleaved heart and a bunch of his erstwhile t-shirts.
Alvin: When you're married and you practise blow, try to stay away from women who desire to fuck you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Accident is blind.
Adam: You're an asshole.
Alvin: But you lot're not. You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.
Guy: I love information technology when we're all on the same cycle. We all get to be passive-ambitious and fight.
Patrice: You are non even a woman.
Adam: You're crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.
Emma: I can't believe you chose those girls.
Adam: You lot jealous?
Emma: Don't exercise that. Don't just disappear like that on me.
Adam: You told me to.
Emma: You shouldn't mind to me.
Adam: Alright, I won't.
Emma: Congrats? For what, having sexual activity with you?
Adam: You did a good job, then... I thought you deserved a balloon.
Adam: My dad invited me to dinner and he's bringing Vanessa. Yous have to come with me.
Emma: No, I don't. I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna run across your parents.
Adam: You know what? Just help me. These are actually powerful painkillers. I can't feel annihilation.
Emma: [slaps Adam] Feel that?
Adam: Yeah. I felt that.
Emma: Don't listing me as your emergency contact. I won't come.
Adam: Isn't that confronting your Hypocratic Oath?
Emma: Yeah. I'd let you die!
Sandra Kurtzman: You lot know I worry about yous sometimes.
Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a engagement?
Sandra Kurtzman: No, I know you can trip the light fantastic solitary. I know that you lot'll be fine. Y'all're e'er fine.
Emma: So?
Sandra Kurtzman: I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I call back you knew that. I recollect that yous got proficient at being stiff for me.
[pauses]
Sandra Kurtzman: I'grand telling y'all be hurt. I can take it. The world tin take it.
Emma: [teary] Okay.
Adam: You know, I don't desire to freak you out, simply I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime old.
Emma: It's not really possible. I have no fourth dimension. I work 80 hours a calendar week doing 36-60 minutes shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in ii a.1000. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.
Adam: I hate breakfast.
Emma: Do yous want to practice this?
Adam: Practise what?
Emma: Use each other for sex at all hours of the twenty-four hours and night, nothing else.
Adam: [soundbite of music] Yes, I could exercise that.
Emma: Good.
Emma: Dr. Metzner? Adam, what'due south going on? What happened?
Dr. Metzner: He sprained his wrist punching a wall.
Emma: You texted me that you were dying.
Adam: It really hurt.
Dr. Metzner: I gave him some Hyrdocodone for the night. It's a very stiff painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive y'all habitation. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.
[hands to Emma]
Dr. Metzner: Don't worry, you're in good hands. Your girlfriend hither is a very talented doctor.
Emma: No! I'yard not his girlfriend.
Adam: She is not my girlfriend.
Dr. Metzner: Oh sad. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My error. Oh by the way, I enjoyed your dad'due south TV prove. Great Scott! It's funny stuff.
Adam: I'll tell him you said that.
[pops pill]
Lucy: Fuck you, Chuck! You're very talented but fuck you lot!
Adam: [Calling Emma] Y'all can't just suddenly phone call me and say you miss me!
Emma: I know...
Adam: No, exercise non call me to say you miss me. Practice non text me, do not e-postal service me... practise not write it on my wall! If yous actually miss me, come here and tell me that!
Adam: You lot eat similar a baby dinosaur; you lot don't fifty-fifty chew.
Adam: Hey!
Emma: What?
Adam: Thank y'all for what you lot did back at the restaurant.
Adam: Get on a appointment with me.
Emma: You're heavily sedated.
Adam: Come on,it's... It'southward one engagement. Simply exercise it.
Emma: Why? So I tin can wear make upward and act perfect all nighttime?
Adam: Yep. I'll pick yous up, and we tin can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows. I'll pay for everything and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub. Similar a real date.
Emma: Is that really what yous desire?
Adam: This Friday.
Emma: People aren't meant to be together forever.
Emma: [Wearing 3-D glasses] Wow... It'southward similar it'southward coming right at me.
Adam: I'yard cumming... Uh! Fuck!
[Adam comes on Emma's confront]
Emma: Did you lot but cum at me?
Adam: I thought you just said it.
Emma: Hmm... These spectacles must be actually good and then.
Lucy: So then when I was, like, eleven I was in therapy because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair and then three months in my therapist died. I know! So that was, like, kind of a bummer. But yeah, that's why I hate planes.
Emma: I'm going to start peeing with the door open, it's going to get weird.
Adam: I tin can't go on doing this. I'm non gonna see you again.
Emma: I know. That makes sense.
Adam: Adieu.
Emma: You lot wait like a pumpkin, bitch!
Eli: You lot know what the best part about my gay dads is?
Adam: What?
Eli: They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.
Wallace: You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?
Joy: Did you accept sexual activity with some girl and give her a balloon?
Adam: Can we non tell anybody?
Alvin: How long accept yous ii been together?
Emma: Oh, we're non.
Adam: Nosotros're sex friends.
Emma: Yes we are.
Adam: Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.
Alvin: [surprised] Swell Scott!
Alvin: Come up on. Hit me!
Adam: What? No. I'1000 not going to striking you lot. I don't want to hurt yous.
Alvin: You're not going to hurt me. Come on!
[flexes]
Alvin: Come on, quick before I get a hernia!
Adam: Proceed a appointment with me.
Emma: [laughing] Yous're heavily sedated.
Emma: I'm Emma Kurtzman. Yous tried to finger me!
Eli: Who do you recollect yous are, the onetime guy from "Upwardly"?
Emma: [after getting a hole in one playing mini golf game] That hole is my bitch!
Emma: Yep, I stuck it in.
Katie: Mom is then excited. She was similar screaming and crying last night! Oh, and she's going to fly down with Bones and aid me shop for the apparel.
Emma: [interrupts] Who? Bones? Who's Bones? Katie, who's Basic?
Katie: He'southward mom'due south friend. I wasn't supposed to tell you about him.
Emma: She has a boyfriend named Bones? What is he a drifter?
Katie: No!
Emma: Why didn't she tell me?
Katie: Emma, you're and then skilful at being lone. Mom and I aren't like that.
Emma: What'south that supposed to mean?
Katie: Merely, information technology's true.
Alvin: Let'south smoke some weed!
Adam: [to Shira] Heed, I want you to know that I respect you.
Shira: Thank you!
Adam: Normally I would think the proper name of someone that I've
Shira: [interrupts] What? Oh my God. Did you think we had sex? We did not have sex!
Guy: Hey Adam. You left your socks in my room.
Adam: Did I?
Guy: Yous did.
Adam: Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?
Guy: No. When we met you weren't wearing pants.
Patrice: [Into front door intercom] Hello?
Adam: How-do-you-do, it'due south Adam.
Patrice: [Looks at Emma, who shakes her head "no", then back into intercom] Go abroad.
Adam: I've got cupcakes.
[Gets buzzed in]
Alvin: So... Are you having sex?
[hands marijuana to Adam]
Adam: Yes. I'm having sex activity.
Alvin: 'Cause if you want any pointers, you know... I can aid you lot out. If in that location's one thing yous learn after two failed marriages, it'south how to consume kitty. Anyone special?
Adam: No. I mean, not since Vanessa.
Alvin: It's been a year. Information technology's fourth dimension to move on.
Adam: It'southward been viii months, Dad.
Lisa: She is so expert at impressions.
Adam: Do an impression, then.
Lisa: Yes, do an impression so.
Joy: All correct, estimate who this is.
[Joy sucks in her lips]
Joy: Dad!
[she sucks in her lips over again]
Joy: Dad!
Lisa: Oh my God, that's so beautiful.
Adam: I don't know.
Lisa: Come on.
Joy: Where are y'all?
Adam: I don't know.
Joy: Where are you, Dad?
[Wallace walks over]
Wallace: It's Nemo.
Lisa: Aye!
Joy: Yeah.
Adam: Nemo.
Lisa: Astonishing.
Adam: I don't know why I didn't go that. How did you know that?
Wallace: 'Cause I've seen it a chiliad times. That'due south how.
Lisa: Mmmm. Drew Barrymore.
Joy: I don't know if I'm drunk plenty.
Lisa: Come on.
Adam: Y'all can't exercise Drew Barrymore.
Wallace: Oh, but she can.
Joy: [in sexy valley girl accent] Happy holidays. I was in 'The Wedding Singer'.
[normal vocalism]
Joy: That'south information technology. That'due south all I take.
Adam: That was kind of an amazing Drew Barrymore.
Joy: What's going on?
Adam: This is Joy.
Joy: I'g Joy. Hi.
Emma: Adept for you.
Lisa: Adam?
Adam: And this is Lisa.
Emma: Yous are such an overachiever.
Adam: Thanks.
Adam: I'grand gonna telephone call every girl in my telephone until someone agrees to have sex with me.
Wallace: That'due south potent. Toast to that.
Eli: Toast. That is a terrible, self-destructive programme, and we're backside you lot a hundred per centum.
Emma: [wearing 3-D glasses] Wow... it looks like it'south coming correct at me.
Patrice: Don't worry, we're all doctors hither, then we've seen plenty of penises.
Adam: Come up on, information technology's one engagement. Just practice it.
Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?
Eli: Ten years from now you're gonna be having sex with your married woman. And it'south gonna be in the missionary position. And one of you is going to be asleep.
Emma: I'll be gone for similar, an hour... I'm just getting some... Yogurt.
Shira: Y'all bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?
Emma: No. Things were getting as well intense then we decided not to come across each other until we hook up with other people.
Shira: Okay. Yes. Good! We are getting laid tonight. This is going to be like Sideways just you lot're Paul Giamatti and I'm the guy who gets laid.
Emma: I can't get laid?
Shira: No. Tonight is most me, Emma. I'm feeling hot. I'm feeling good. I'm wearing bikini bottoms considering my other underwear is dirty. Alright, we're hot. You feel hot?
Emma: [shrugs] No one threw up on me today.
Shira: Nosotros're sluts, Emma. Nosotros're dirty, dingy sluts!
Emma: Okay.
Shira: Remember, we're sluts!
Lucy: That was such a fail on my part.
Lucy: Chuck! If I catch yous taking pictures of your dick one more time I'one thousand taking that thing away.
Patrice: This is a frat party. You lot just have to exist drunk and look hot. Sentry and larn.
[gets on table and yells to the whole party]
Patrice: Hey! Hey! I'm so drunk!
Adam: Don't call my penis cute. Even if it's dressed up as a Intendance Bear and it's giving you lot a care stare.
Emma: Don't wearing apparel up your penis. E'er!
Eli: I'd accept sex with a pioneer, for sure.
Emma: You want to go with me to this stupid thing?
Eli: Hey!
Patrice: Did we? Yep, we did. We went to college together. Yous have ii gay dads.
Eli: Yeah, I'one thousand the man with the two gay dads.
Patrice: They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.
Eli: They're the best. I honey them. I'grand super straight, though.
Patrice: Okay.
Adam: So, did I only laissez passer out on your burrow?
Emma: No. Then you did this thing. It was like, a dance?
Adam: Dance?
Emma: Yeah, like.
[impersonates Adam'due south dance]
Adam: I shook my dick at you?
Emma: Yeah.
Adam: Oh, shit. I'm deplorable.
Emma: No, no. It was exciting. It was like, you were cheering while you were doing it. Y'all were like, "wait at my dick!"
Adam: Did you lot wait at information technology?
Emma: Yeah I looked. It was nice. You accept a actually nice penis.
Adam: Nice?
Emma: Seems kind of like carefree.
Shira: I just pulled a penis out of a Vitamin H2o yesterday, so we are cool with penises here.
Sam: I'm the guy she marries, Adam. You're the guy she fucked a couple of times in the handicapped bath.
Adam: Did you look at it?
Emma: Aye. I looked. It was nice. Y'all have a really nice penis.
Adam: Prissy?
Emma: It seems kind of, like, carefree.
Adam: Yeah?
Emma: Yeah.
Lisa: [subsequently Joy does her impersonations] Oh, my God, Joy. I love you so much.
Joy: You exercise?
Lisa: Aye...
Joy: Lisa... I love you.
[as Adam looks from 1 to the other, taking a sip directly from the bottle]
Joy: Await. I'one thousand seriously in dear with yous.
Lisa: Wait.
[leaning frontwards over Adam'due south lap]
Lisa: Why didn't y'all tell me sooner?
Joy: I didn't have the backbone.
Lisa: Oh, my God. This is astonishing.
[giggles, as Adam doesn't know where to look]
Joy: God, you lot wait so beautiful.
Lisa: And your eyes are so pretty.
[Adam and Wallace share a bemused look]
Joy: Have you got-?
Lisa: Allow's practise this.
Joy: Wallace, could you take a picture of this?
Vanessa: [to Adam] I know this might exist hard, but simply considering I'thousand your ex-girlfriend, doesn't mean that yous tin't look at me as... a kind of... mum?
Emma: Oh, boy.
Vanessa: Especially because, well... Alvin and I have been talking well-nigh...
[reverently:]
Vanessa: creating new life... together.
Alvin: You see, nosotros were at... Burning Man.
Vanessa: And nosotros were dressed up.
Alvin: Yeah. I was dressed every bit a... fire bird.
Emma: [to Vanessa] And what were yous dressed as?
Vanessa: I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert... and... and he was burying my bare body in the sand.
Alvin: Yeah, and I was pecking at it... with my fire bird.
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